When I reflect on my life I find that I feel most dissatisfaction in experiences when I allowed myself to act in a way that didn’t fully align with my values. This happens to us all, and to be honest, more frequently than we’d like, I believe.
The gift of identifying our values allows us a foundation, a guidebook, to support us as we navigate through life.
I woke up thinking about values. I think this occurred because we just wrapped up Thanksgiving and are quickly moving towards Christmas. I’ve always felt that we lose sight of our core values when life gets hectic, at least I know I can. I end up feeling disappointed with interactions or experiences for no other reason than for how I handled myself in them. I don’t hope for perfection but I do desire authentic alignment. I desire to stay mindful of what I believe matters in the thick of triggering situations. I desire to not go into auto-pilot mode and stay conscious and aware of how I am speaking and acting in any given moment. The holidays are like the Alignment Olympics in my opinion.
Value based living came to me this morning, I think, because I struggle with the consumerism aspect of Christmas. I struggle because I feel like so many people use the holiday to make up for moments in the year they haven’t acted in alignment with their core values. I also see it as a time when people tap into their values that they normally stay detached from. Finally, I see it as a great opportunity to continue to express who and what we are with those we love. The holidays are a perplexing time and a great chance to express our values while being aware of their presence, or lack thereof, prior to.
Self-reflection time: when was the last time you sat down and identified the core values that anchor your life? I know I hadn’t done this in years until I signed up for a mindfulness course this past spring. I had an idea of what I thought was important, some based on what society told me mattered, but I don’t think I could have rattled off my top 5 values to you in conversation. In the beginning of the course we were asked to identify our core values from a list of over 100. I remember sitting there reading over the list wanting to highlight all of them. I was totally confused, and overwhelmed, as to how I was supposed to choose just 5. And then it dawned on me. This desire to be a “perfect” human was being expressed in my own inability to select a few values that truly resonated with me. Because of this ah-ha moment, I was able to reflect on so many times when I threw all values out the window and responded from a place that was reactionary versus rooted in something greater. In those moments, the feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach was enough to make me nauseous. I had abandoned an integral part of me, a massive piece of my true identity. I had gone against a core belief without even realizing it. This exploration allowed me to see that so much of my own suffering was due to living life without a clearly defined set of values and an understanding of their expression in my life. As much as I wanted to believe it was because of what other people did to me, it wasn’t. It was because of how I was towards other people. That was a moment of awakening.
I believe we can continue to evolve ourselves and deepen our conscience when we do the work of identifying and understanding what truly matters to us. This process asks us to accept ourselves in a different way. It forces us to say, this is what matters to me and I’m satisfied with that. It asks us to begin to see how these values manifest in real time, how they influence our thoughts, words, and actions. As much as I desire to live a completely virtuous life without human error, it’s impossible. When I let this overzealous desire drive me I am left with feeling so many things, and most profoundly, frustration for my lack of awareness, shame for my abandonment of what resonates with me, guilt for being human, and sadness for my spirit.
I realize that being mindful of values places the spotlight on both moments when we act in alignment with them and, more importantly, when we don’t. Perhaps this is why people choose to avoid this work… it’s uncomfortable, even painful at times. I believe this is why I avoided. It’s much easier to go along with life and react to people in the same way they treat you than it is to rise above it and choose to be in alignment with your values regardless of the situation. It requires us to accept what is, especially the ugly moments, and forgive them. From my experience forgiving ourselves is one of the most difficult things to do. It exposes us in a way. Normalizes us. Reminds us that we are human and no better than anyone else. It removes our ability to point the finger and blame. It holds us accountable. Even more importantly, it gifts us an opportunity to remind ourselves of our own inherent goodness. It allows us to see the values that inspire others. It awakens us to love.
Without this accountability and radical self-honesty how do we provide ourselves an opportunity to grow? To remind ourselves of our goodness and the goodness of others? To focus energy on the good so as to catalyze and energize it? Put simply, how can we evolve if we aren’t being reflective and honest with ourselves?
I like to imagine a society where everyone has 5 clearly defined values and consistently acts with them in mind. I think about how day to day life would be, how people would interact, how things like violence, poverty, abuse, etc. would show up, how problems would be solved, and how much joy we would feel.
This dream isn’t impossible. In actuality, it’s easier to act in alignment with our values than it is not to. As humans, we are loving beings and so when we allow ourselves to act in this truth we are acting “normal,” although at first it may feel unfamiliar. I know you will agree with me when I ask you to think about a time when you acted in alignment with your core values and how you felt afterwards. Amazing, I bet.
I believe our current reality is begging us to do this work. It is crying out for us to get honest about what values matter and how we are measuring up to them each and every day. We can see the effects of our own abandonment of values on a macro scale by watching the news (I don’t think I need to expand on that), and on a micro scale by how we show up in our everyday encounters with our family, friends, and community. I believe when we sit down and take the time to identify our values we tap into our vision for our life. We give ourselves an opportunity to create a life that is rooted in our values identifying a life path that honors and supports them.
How do we do this work? Easy. Grab some paper and brainstorm a list of all the values you believe are important. This list could be 20 or 100. Next, prioritize. Really feel into each of the values you listed and identify the top 5 that resonate with you on a deeper level. After identifying, mentally, go through a day envisioning yourself acting with these values.. how do your thoughts change? Your actions toward yourself and others change? How does adopting this value shift your beliefs? Begin each day by centering yourself with these values and setting the intention to act in alignment with them. Trust that by simply setting the intention you will be reminded of them, especially when it feels like you’re being tested.
As we begin awaken our conscience in a new way we must be compassionate and forgiving with ourselves. The goal is not perfection. The goal is excellence. The goal is to have more moments of alignment than not, to simply do better each and every day. To give 100% effort to your life is a fluid practice. It changes. And so with that knowing gift yourself grace and patience. Allow yourself to show up however you are without shame or judgement. Choose to stay committed to the process and push yourself to not abandon your authenticity when the rubber hits the road. Reflect each day focusing more on the wins and all your goodness than the losses and know that each day we show up for ourselves through acting in alignment with our values we’re changing the world for the better.
Trust the ripple effect and set your wave of love in motion.
