The past few weeks have been arduous, to say the least. I have been faced with situations that have really brought out the aspects of me that I sometimes refer to as ugly. I don’t like the word ugly but in fact it might be the most accurate word for some of my actions at times.
My Dad’s health, both physically and mentally, has been the main activator for my ugliness shows recently. He has been navigating through extreme gastro-intestinal issues causing him to lose about 40 pounds in 3 months coupled with a lifetimes worth of suppressed emotions making their way to the surface all at once. Twice he’s been admitted for suicidal thoughts. I can’t count the number of times he’s had emotional breakdowns in my presence. There is nothing more heart wrenching than seeing someone you love so incredibly much, suffer. To add to that challenge my relationship with my Dad has been rocky. For a large part of my life it’s been more painful than enjoyable to be his daughter. I have spent years in therapy working through issues and finding a path to forgiveness. Thankfully, with this work I have been able to view my dad with more love and compassion. However, when the shit hits the fan sometimes it feels like all our hard work goes straight out the window.
I have spent a lot of time in reflection mostly focused on how I’ve shown up in situations. Choosing love is a tricky path. Coming from a family prone to codependency and enmeshment understanding love has been quite confusing. As a kid when I would stand up for myself or addressed something that I felt was unloving I was quieted, negatively labeled, and pushed away. As an adult it’s taken serious intention to learn how to live my life aligned with love in my most authentic way.
This idea of loving the ugly parts of ourselves I believe is key on this path of living more fully aligned with love. I truly believe how I show up for myself, how I speak to myself, how honest I am with myself, how compassionate, etc. is a direct reflection of how I show up to the world. I know that what I put out I get back.
This is why I am using the word ugly. Ugly is a powerful enough of a word to allow me to feel the inauthenticity of my words and actions to spark lasting change. If I am not honest, and living with some integrity, am I doing my part as a human being having a spiritual experience?
To recognize something within us that isn’t aligned to love doesn’t mean that we allow our self-worth to be impacted by this finding. Rather, it’s an opportunity for us to act with even more love. For example, I saw that when my Dad didn’t receive proper care in the hospital I allowed myself to get triggered into fight mode. When in that mode I lack compassion and I deny myself the opportunity to speak authentically. I miss opportunities to advocate for him because I am too concerned with what wasn’t happening rather than focusing on what could. However, if I can name the fight brewing, know that when this happens I am thrown out of alignment, and love on myself in the midst of it happening, I return to love. I can achieve my goals without being a jerk. However, if I wasn’t aware of how I was feeling, honest about being ugly at times, and unwilling to be reflective, I wouldn’t grow.
And what if everything we experience is truly a calling, an invitation, to act in alignment with love? What if we are continuously being given opportunities to express the Divine, a force of love, in all we do?
To sum it up love all of yourself: the good, the ugly, the confused, the proud, the resistant, the scared, the brave. The aligned parts and the misaligned parts. Don’t be boastful nor deny the truth. Find the harmony, the sweet spot that allows the truth to come forth with enough compassion and understanding so that right after the truth comes creative, loving energy hoping to allow you to live a more authentic life. There’s nothing wrong with you and you are being called for more alignment each and everyday.
Remember, when we act in love we feel better and the world vibrates a little higher. Everything is a call for us to align with love and raise our vibration.
